Everyone, I have a confession to make… I decided that I don’t want to be vegan anymore. It’s boring to me now. It was fun for a while, but ultimately just a phase. I had a realization the other day while watching my meat-eating co-workers eat lunch. They all got McDonalds and it looked and smelled so good. They were all laughing and having a good time without me. I started wondering, “why do they get to have all the fun?”. It just didn’t seem fair. So I finally made the decision to quit being vegan.
I’m going to start my paleo diet today with a big steak, not even cooked, and I’m going to eat it like the cavemen did, with my bare hands. And I’m not even going to wash my hands before I eat. Or brush my teeth after. And what are you gonna do about it? Then probably about a week or so later, I’m going to crap that steak out in the woods like my caveman ancestors did. I won’t even wipe with a leaf. I’m an animal — RAWR! I’ll just rub my butt on a tree trunk ’cause that’s how tough I am.
The grocery store aisles have never seen anything like me before: PALEO HUNTER EXTRAORDINAIRE! I will pounce on my prey and sink my canine teeth into it’s shrink-wrap packaging and all my fellow grocery store patrons will exclaim in unison: “There goes Paleo Rabbit, Queen of the jungle!”
And for all you who are going to write your hateful blog posts about me, I’ll have you know that our bodies are different. Maybe yours doesn’t need meat but mine does, okay? I have these canines for a reason, you know. And these sweet hunting skills I learned from playing Call of Duty, knifing noobs and stuff. And lions eat cows so why can’t I? It’s not like it’s illegal or anything. Come on.
I mean, my body wants what it wants. Who am I to stop my body from getting the nutrients it craves? Sometimes I crave double chocolate fudge cake, so that must mean there are nutrients in there my body needs. It makes perfect sense. I don’t know why you vegans can’t wrap your heads around it. I listen to my body and give it what it wants. If you don’t like that then whatever, that’s your choice, but at least respect mine. I don’t march into your sustainably decorated vegan restaurant, slap the tofu buffalo wing with vegan ranch out of your hand and call you a plant murderer. I’d like to be shown that same respect. Don’t be so closed-minded.
And I don’t know if you know this, but Hitler was a vegetarian, so you know what that means… come on, don’t you? … Well one of us has to…
Anyway, paleo is more sustainable for the planet. Bazillions of acres of rainforest are being cut down to make room for soy so the less than 1% of the planet’s human population that is vegan can eat it. How can you vegans live with yourselves knowing this? No, I don’t care about your researched statistics from the likes of the Smithsonian Institution, The United States Environmental Protection Agency and The United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization detailing the reasons why animal agriculture is ruining the environment. My buddy Jeff (his paleo name is Oog) said those guys were all stupid and I know Jeff a lot better than those other guys so my advanced human brain is telling me that I should believe him and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do! So there!
Anyway, I’ve sold all my worldly possessions and will embark on my life in nature today, to live as my cavemen ancestors did. I’m a level 5 paleo. I don’t just eat like a caveman — I live like one. It’s more than a diet, it’s a lifestyle, get it?! Anyway, if you don’t get a response to your comment on this post it’s probably because I’m using my laptop as an umbrella, a frying pan, or a fly-swatter.
See you guys later and by the way, happy April Fool’s Day!